tap. tap. tap. my fingers beat against the hard wood as mania sets in. my mind buzzes and the world goes white in stages. i close my eyes and the sky opens up.

i walk into a doorway. i find myself acting as a bridge between darkness and light. i feel like purgatory. the brightness blinds me and i begin to slip. i want to pray but i can't remember how. i can't move my hands. my eyes dart around, futile in every direction. toward both heaven and hell. i will not remember any of this.

my eyes open. my pupils feel dilated, out of my control. my body aches a dull, heavy, relieving ache, as if bricks that had lain on top of me for the last ten years are now just now lifted off. i feel lighter than the air that surrounds me. i wonder what is keeping me grounded. body weight is a foreign concept. i recognize the walls around me but they are uncomfortable. i think about eternity.

the next few hours are filled with searching. i have lost a sense of placement. i have lost the entire night. it has disappeared into the cracks in the floor.

i walk into the bathroom and rinse my face, the cold sweat, the only remaining evidence of the night before. my memory is washed. i look into the mirror and see myself. i come to a realization.

i do not know where i am going. and for the first, last, thousandth time in my life, i am scared.